Proverbs 19:21 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
I am aware that my plans are not guaranteed reality. I know that I ultimately don't have a lot of say in the things in life that really matter. But it doesn't mean that I don't wrestle with it, or feel angry, sad, bitter, confused, scared and afraid when the plan gets derailed. Scripture also says to "commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Prov 16:3
I am struggling with the fact that I go to the hospital for an induction in 24 hours - this was not the plan. I know that things don't always go the way we want them to, and ultimately the only thing that matters is the baby and my safety, but based on all I've read and learned over the past year, drug-free and intervention-free is the safest thing for us both. I really am desperate to have him in my arms, but I'm struggling with the idea of being induced. Some people think that I am upset because it is only a matter of my "wants" and not getting my way in this process. If I'm honest with myself, maybe that is fractionally true, but truthfully it's that I feel that I know what's best for my baby and I DO want to experience the childbirth experience that I've dreamed of. Of all the things I've read and heard, a paraphrase from the Bradley Method book sticks out the most: I want to birth my baby, not be delivered of him.
Well, the induction is going to happen (unless he finally decides to make his venture out in the next 24 hours) because the medical professionals think it's best, so I have an enormous amount of pressure from my husband and family to follow through. And honestly I don't know how much longer I can stay sane (the waiting, the boredom, the hormones are causing havoc on my emotions). The main things I was looking for from an unmedicated birth was very limited intervention on him immediately after birth so he can be on me, skin-on-skin ASAP. And I want to breastfeed as soon as he's interested. I'm concerned that I won't have as much attachment to him and that huge rush of endorphins if I have an epidural. I'm afraid he'll be slowed down and groggy from meds and less likely to feed. Thinking this out has finally made me realize why I've been crying so much these past 2-3 days - because I am now afraid. I was not afraid at all when I knew the natural plan. I was/will be pumped to start labor on my own - I don't think anyone would welcome broken water or contractions like I would! But now it's all out of my hands (I know it never really was "in my hands"...but still) and now his outcome and mine seem to be determined by outside circumstances and other people's ideas about what's best for me/him. It was never about me having control, but now I feel like the limited decisions that were truly mine to make are no longer mine. I am just sad and feel very alone in my head...no one really seems to "get it".
Well, scripture says to commit whatever I do to the Lord and my plans will succeed. I guess I better go getting to committing.
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