Fear of the unknown - 10 days overdue and counting...

Proverbs 19:21 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

I am aware that my plans are not guaranteed reality. I know that I ultimately don't have a lot of say in the things in life that really matter. But it doesn't mean that I don't wrestle with it, or feel angry, sad, bitter, confused, scared and afraid when the plan gets derailed. Scripture also says to "commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Prov 16:3

I am struggling with the fact that I go to the hospital for an induction in 24 hours - this was not the plan. I know that things don't always go the way we want them to, and ultimately the only thing that matters is the baby and my safety, but based on all I've read and learned over the past year, drug-free and intervention-free is the safest thing for us both. I really am desperate to have him in my arms, but I'm struggling with the idea of being induced. Some people think that I am upset because it is only a matter of my "wants" and not getting my way in this process. If I'm honest with myself, maybe that is fractionally true, but truthfully it's that I feel that I know what's best for my baby and I DO want to experience the childbirth experience that I've dreamed of. Of all the things I've read and heard, a paraphrase from the Bradley Method book sticks out the most: I want to birth my baby, not be delivered of him. 

Well, the induction is going to happen (unless he finally decides to make his venture out in the next 24 hours) because the medical professionals think it's best, so I have an enormous amount of pressure from my husband and family to follow through. And honestly I don't know how much longer I can stay sane (the waiting, the boredom, the hormones are causing havoc on my emotions). The main things I was looking for from an unmedicated birth was very limited intervention on him immediately after birth so he can be on me, skin-on-skin ASAP. And I want to breastfeed as soon as he's interested. I'm concerned that I won't have as much attachment to him and that huge rush of endorphins if I have an epidural. I'm afraid he'll be slowed down and groggy from meds and less likely to feed. Thinking this out has finally made me realize why I've been crying so much these past 2-3 days - because I am now afraid. I was not afraid at all when I knew the natural plan. I was/will be pumped to start labor on my own  - I don't think anyone would welcome broken water or contractions like I would! But now it's all out of my hands (I know it never really was "in my hands"...but still) and now his outcome and mine seem to be determined by outside circumstances and other people's ideas about what's best for me/him. It was never about me having control, but now I feel like the limited decisions that were truly mine to make are no longer mine. I am just sad and feel very alone in my head...no one really seems to "get it". 

Well, scripture says to commit whatever I do to the Lord and my plans will succeed. I guess I better go getting to committing. 

Past due and counting...

I've been telling myself for months to prepare for and mentally allow a wide window of time to expect the arrival of our little bundle of joy. He was "due" June 8th, so two weeks on either side is completely expected, I told myself. Regardless of these little mental notes, the constant "when are you do?" and "what's the magic date?" ironed June 8th into my brain. So June 8th comes...and June 8th goes. No baby. This patience thing is harder than I expected...

Last week we scheduled a checkup appointment with the midwife for today, hoping that I wouldn't need it. But alas, this morning I headed off the see the midwife with my husband in tow. We did a fetal non-stress test (NST) - it was nice to hear my little horse galloping in there :) I had a few contractions while on the monitor, but the cervix check still indicated very little progress (less than 1 cm dilated and about 50% effaced). When she measured my belly, it was larger than expected (42 instead of a little less than 41) so we did an AFI (amniotic fluid index), meaning she broke out the ultrasound machine and I got to see a few close-ups of my little man (albeit my grainy and somewhat distorted little man). The midwife wanted to check to make sure he still had enough fluid in there. We were able to see his hand up near his mouth, then he started making sucking movements (the midwife said he could be self-soothing while sleeping). The fluid levels were lower than she expected them to be, but we are still in the low-end of the normal range.

To induce, or not to induce - that is the question. I really do not want to be induced since I want to have as natural and unmedicated birth experience as possible, but I do understand there are higher health risks the closer to 42 weeks pregnancy goes. So for his health and my sanity, if he is still playing house in my womb at 41.5 weeks, we will likely be headed to the hospital for the induction.   

Speaking of an unmedicated birth, I've had about enough from the peanut gallery. I really try not to advertise my intentions because of this very reason (I don't care what you think!), but when it has come up, I am so tired of hearing people's opinions about how stupid I am. I've heard it all...these are quotes, mind you: you're an idiot. You don't win a medal at the end. There is no glory in suffering. You don't have to be a martyr. My mom had me naturally and she said if she could do it again, she'd have an epidural. Why wouldn't you take advantage of the medical advancements? We'll see who is hollering for meds! blah blah blah.

Well people, you are more than welcome to get all the magic epidural juice you want when it's your time to have a baby. I am choosing a different approach. There are a variety of reasons why I've made the decisions that I've made and have established the plan I want: I choose to trust my body. I believe childbirth is designed by our Creator and He knows what He is doing. I want to give birth to my child, not be delivered of him. Statistically, one intervention leads to another and I want to avoid interventions that would have been medically unnecessary if we'd have left well enough alone. I don't believe that having a natural birth experience means I'm choosing to suffer - there are a variety of coping techniques and there is a difference in pain and suffering. I plan to welcome contractions and work with my body, as contractions mean that my body is doing the right things needed to deliver. I want to know that I can do this. I was made to do this. Everything given to me is passed on to my baby - even though these things may be "safe enough", I prefer not to expose my baby to narcotics. I believe natural childbirth is best for my baby. I want to be able to move and have control of my body throughout the process. I need to be as present and coherent as possible. I want the connection of working through the process with my husband. I want to experience the unparalleled connection of seeing and holding him for the first time. I want to breastfeed as soon as possible. I mean, really, the list could go on and on.
 
All of that being said, I don't pass judgment on other women for choosing a different birth experience. Thankfully, the gibber gabber from the peanut gallery really doesn't get to me that much because I have faith and facts supporting me. So in the future, if you are one of those people who bash moms who choose a non-medicated delivery, why not try to keep your opinions to yourself? Let's try encouraging each other, speaking positively to one another. Why not build others up instead of tearing them down, regardless of their path? At the end of the day, I will be a mom and that's what matters to me. Keeping my baby safe, making the best decisions for him, and ultimately bringing him into my arms in the most gentle, natural way possible.