The ultimate example in parenting

Sorry to be rude, but this blog is for me. The message moved me so much that I want it written down and easily able to be referenced and re-referenced. But because this message was so profound to me, I want to be able to share it with anyone who might "stumble" upon it, much like I stumbled upon this message by being in the right place at the right time. But that's often the way God works...

This past Sunday, for a variety of reasons, we did not go to our "regular" church, instead we visited a church a few miles up the road. I have wanted to visit on several occasions when we knew we wouldn't be making the 45-minute trip to our regular church, but my husband has never really been interested in giving it a try. Sunday, I woke up to him looking up service times on the iPad. He said we should go, we we went. And when we walked out of the church doors when the service was over, we both knew that was exactly where we needed to be. The message was important for us to hear. The message will shape who we will be as parents (hello...we become parents within a few short days!) and how we will act/react to our child in the near future. God truly is amazing.

The message was about parenting. And if you've read my previous posts, I hope it's evident that the desire of my heart is for my husband and me to be great parents. One aspect of parenting that has scared me the most (where my biggest fears of failure and "doing it wrong") is discipline and punishment. John and I both had different experiences as children and have had differing views on how we would handle things in our hypothetical discussions on child-rearing. But ultimately we both want the same outcome. So back to church...I started with taking some notes here and there in the beginning, but once things started "clicking" with me, I started writing feverishly. I filled up the front and back of my note paper, so I pulled out my trusty iPhone (yes, in church!) and started typing out an email to myself with the rest of the sermon notes. Some of this may only make sense to me since I know the stories/intentions behind my scribbling, but I'll do my best.

The main idea was that God teaches us how to be great parents. He gives us examples and pictures of how he parents, so we should strive to emulate Him.

First, God understands me, therefore I must understand my child. This went into understanding what makes him tick, what motivates him, what moves him. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." This verse was broken up into two parts. Part one is "Train up a child..."

• Are we training him in the Spirit, or in the world? (I will reference "him" throughout since I am about to have a son)
• How do we train him to communicate? By yelling and screaming, by cursing and throwing things, by speaking down to him and/or my spouse? By speaking harshly about others and gossiping? Do we avoid conflict, burying our heads in the sand and pretending everything is going to be alright if we don't talk about it?
• Do we train him to have quiet time? To stop going and doing for a few moments, take some time to be quiet. Talk to God. Clear our heads. Be thankful. Pray for others. Reflect. Read the Word.
• To develop work ethic? Am I the living example of what I will ask of my son?
• To be a Godly spouse? Are we showing our son what it means to have a happy, healthy marriage? Setting aside date nights and special times for "mom and dad" to illustrate the importance our marriage plays in our lives? Working as a cohesive parenting unit where each parent has the other person's back and supports one anotherr?
• To have a healthy lifestyle?
• To have a Godly view on sex and dating? (Referenced a conference to take pre-teens to called "Passport to Purity" and a book called Raising a Modern Day Knight). 

Part two of the verse is: "in the way he should go."

• The emphasis here is on HE should go. Not me. Not we. He.
• Not the way I wish I was raised.
• Give him the freedom to choose and follow God's plan/purpose. Let him follow how God created him.
• God gives us all individual talents and gifts. Just because I may want him to be an athlete does not mean that fulfils God's plan and purpose for his life. He needs the freedom to choose music, or art, or serving others, or sports, or computers, or whatever God has laid on his heart.
• Whatever he does, do it for the glory of God. Bring his gifts to the church. If he is gifted with computers and technology, let him put his talents to work in the sound booth. If he is made with a heart for children and teaching, let him glorify God in the children's programs. If he works well with his hands, let him build to the glory of God.
• He can also use these gifts to glorify God at school, at home, at baseball practice, in the band room, etc.

God accepts me, so I must accept my child.
Psalm 127:3 tells us, "Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from Him."

• If I reject my child, I am rejecting God and His work.

God disciplines me with love, so I must discipline my children.
Hebrews 12:6 "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."

• If we don't discipline, it proves we don't love our children.
• We would be participating in their destruction.

Proverbs 13:24 says, "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them."

• This is commonly referenced as "spare the rod, spoil the child." Many people think "spoil the child" in the sense of "well little Billy has too many toys and always gets whatever he wants" but the intention of this "spoil" is literally to spoil like garbage, rotten meat, stinky waste.
• If their behavior isn't "cute" when you add 10 years to it, then it isn't cute now and the action needs correction. If you wouldn't want to see your 14-year-old poking out his bottom lip, pouting and stomping his feet, then it isn't "cute" when a 4-year-old does it either. The uncorrected actions developed as a child will manifest later when it's likely too late for correction.

God doesn't punish us, he disciplines us.
Romans 8:1 says, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ.

• Jesus took our punishment on the cross. We are no longer condemned. God punishes the wicked, but disciplines His children (because He loves us).
• Punishment is to inflict a penalty (nagging, screaming, harshness). Punishment has an attitude of anger (beating vs spanking, being out of control, sin). Then the parent ends up wallowing in the remorse of their behavior, and often reverses any meaning in the punishment. Example: the child lies about eating his Halloween candy before bed after he was told not to. The parent blows up and screams in his face, chastising him, rips the bucket of candy away from him and storms out. This leads to feeling guilty and remorseful for how things were handled, so the parent walk back in there and give the kid his candy back. What have we taught him??
• Discipline is not looking backward like punishment does ("you always blah blah blah" or "haven't I told you 100 times..." or "you never blah blah blah...). Instead, discipline promotes growth and moving forward. There is hope in discipline. The same example as above if handled with discipline looks differently. The parent asks "did you eat your candy after I told you not to?" The child lies and says no. "Then how did these candy wrappers end up under your bed? Would you like to tell me the truth this time?" He still denies it. So the parent calmly says, "since you have disobeyed me when I told you that we would not eat this candy before bed, and you have not told me the truth, you will not have anymore of this candy. Do you understand?" The parent walks to the trashcan and dumps the contents of the bucket. The child can have a meltdown now, but the parent has nothing to feel remorseful of. The issues needed to be addressed and corrected, and it was done with calmness and swift action.  

So how do we discipline and not punish?

• Never spank out of anger. Send the child to his room until I can calm down and pray for guidance. Sometimes the answer is not spanking - God gives creative solutions (see example above). (Recommended book: Creative Correction).
• Go talk about what they did wrong. Give the corrective action, then we pray and ask God to forgive him. Discipline gives boundaries and security.

Ephesians 6:4 says, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."

• Spankings should lead to correction from a child, not anger. If it leads to an angry, rebellious child, it's time to try something new. (Recommended book: Don't Make Me Count to 3).

Proverbs 29:11 says, "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end."

• Temper tantrums: a child in the throes of a temper tantrum is like a drunk person. Let them sober up. Deal with it calmly. The least helpful thing is to throw fire on fire and a child in a temper tantrum can quickly push you over the edge. Put them in their room immediately. When they come back to reality, we deal with the issues. If it's in public, remove them. Handle it quickly and work together with your spouse as a partnership.
• Choose your battles. Sometimes kids don't need discipline, they just need parenting.

Colossians 3:21 says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

• As parents, we must admit when we are wrong. Be honest with our children - we expect honesty out of them. When we admit our wrong-doings, it increases us in their eyes. Honor comes before humility. Apologize when we don't handle things in the right way,

Malachi 4:6 says, "He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction."

• If we can change our homes, we can change our community. If we can change our community, we can change our city, etc. etc...

I hope this post reaches someone who needs to hear it. I pray God will bring this message to my mind as many times as it takes over the years. I pray these words of wisdom will seep into my mind and that my actions will reflect the heart of a parent who is seeking God's example.