It is safe to say that I want to be great mom. I have smiled and laughed at those little flutters in my belly that have now become full-blown kung-fu sessions, hiccup fits, and hard lumps of body parts trying to find a bit more room in a quickly shrinking space. Arrangements have been made to prepare for his impending arrival...we have prepared a precious, special space for him with freshly washed linens, the mattress that had to be "just right", cute decals on the wall, everything in its proper place. I have wept looking at an ultrasound picture of his little feet, and I could weep just imagining his little face. Life is full of random moments/images/objects/words/ideas that remind me that I will soon have my own sweet, precious child in my arms...and that I will soon get to see that sweet precious baby in his daddy's strong arms. The man who has been my love and my life for ten years will soon be a daddy, and we will have the honor and gift of raising a human being that is made up of ourselves...the best of me and the best of him, sewn together with love by the Creator...amazing. I am preparing to bring him into this world safely with as much calmness and peace as I can find within myself with God's help.
I have tried not to panic when I see my changing body on a daily basis and I realize things will never be the same...but I try to remind myself that it's okay...I will be a mother from this point forward, and I will have new things to love about my figure because the physical reminders bear witness to the most amazing thing I will have the privilege of doing and being.
I remember watching an episode of the TV show "Private Practice" before I was pregnant, but I was definitely ready to be. Addison says, "Every day I deliver a baby, and every day I see that moment of change - that moment when every cell in a woman's body is transformed. And whatever happens, whether the baby is sick or happy, unhealthy or healthy, lives or dies - whatever happens, that woman will never be just a woman again. She will always be a mother." And I wept because I knew it was true.
I said all that to say this. I know that being a mother only just begins when my baby boy takes his first breath and utters that first cry, and I know that labor and delivery is just the tiny first taste of the hard work that is to come. The primary responsibility of shaping and molding a human life from birth through childhood, into becoming a productive and beautiful-hearted adult - it's a huge undertaking and I'm not afraid to say that it's a bit (or more than a bit) scary. I have started too many things in my life with the best of intentions, but I never saw them through to fruition...that is not an option here. I want to teach and show my child that he is loved, he is special, he is wonderful...so he, in turn, will learn to be kind to others and show them through his life and actions that they are special, they are wonderful and they are loved. That is my hope for my child and any future children I may be blessed with.
And I smile, because I will never be just a woman again...I will always be a mother.
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